Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
