So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
