i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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