shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
