so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
