You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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