i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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