This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
