i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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