Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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