I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
