so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
