Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
