why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I don't deserve a penis
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
