Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
