I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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