sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
