I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
