Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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