meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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