If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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