white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
