We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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