Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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