Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
