I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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