just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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