I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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