highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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