On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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