Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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