We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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