I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
