Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
