listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
