god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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