i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
