What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
