maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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