This is not my ceiling
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
