Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
