for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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