So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
