remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
