I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Two words: nipple clamps
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