what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
