either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
