Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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