Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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