Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
